Fiction

Tonight I’ve started reading another book and on page one it spoke to me of the phoenix…

I’m a big Harry Potter and have always been a reader so feel like the idea of rebirth through a rite of passage, a trial or from flames isn’t anything new but I’ve been so broken for so long now that the idea of being “the same, but altogether different” felt more hopeful than it might have otherwise.

I know I have been irreparably damaged over the past four years and I could never hope to rise from the ashes of my former self like the phoenix of lore; but to think of maybe one day being able to live again and to still have managed to hold on to a shred of me is at least something.

Life feels like one big challenge that I’m failing at most of the time. Maybe I should try and hold on to that phoenix inside.

Burden and burdened

Caring for someone else must be so hard. Seeing them suffering and struggling and especially with an invisible illness feeling like they don’t do anything and do nothing to help themself.

My mum is my carer and was obviously upset about something today, she was close to tears and then stormed out. I don’t know what the trigger was today but I know it’ll be about the strain of being a carer.

Maybe it was one thing today that pushed her over the edge or maybe it was all of it but who knows.

I hate being a burden, I hate being ill. I hate that I’m doing this to someone I love. I hate that I’m becoming more self-centred the longer I’m sick. 

I can’t manage by myself, I can’t motivate my children to help and I can’t afford to pay someone to help. I’m stuck in a miserable cycle and have dragged my mum down with me.

I’m not having the worst kind of day today and we were all actually planning on going out but now I feel like I can’t go, I feel like she will hate me even more if I go out. Like she bears the burden and I get to just live it up.

I can’t and won’t keep reminding everyone around me how crappy I feel or how much pain I’m in or how many times I’ve opened my bowels today. And it’s easy for them to forget when it’s been going on this long, they don’t have the constant reminder of the pain and if I’m dressed and out of bed then they must just think I’m lazy and selfish and want them to do the housework. But it’s not like that. I want to be a nice person, I want to be a normal person. I just can’t right now.

I want to run away, I want to end it all. I want to relieve the burden on everyone else. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I can’t cope. It’s hard enough to handle it all when it’s just me suffering, when it’s everyone around me suffering it’s just impossible.